That Mom

We had an eventful afternoon at the supermarket.  Let me start at the beginning.  We don't buy our kids things.  Not many things, anyways.   A few gifts on birthdays or Christmas, but on an everyday basis, they don't expect much... and we like it that way.  If we do get them something, many times we buy it when they're not with us.  So we've never had too much of a problem at stores; they have no expectations for toys or treats, unless it's a special occasion.
Well, today I messed with our system.  I became that mom.  Jude had asked for a box of candy, and I relented.  I told him that he and Layla could share one, but that they had to agree, because it was for them both.  I thought it would help them build those compromising muscles.  They debated for a bit, and Layla asserted that she wanted M&M's so Jude relented.  We walked around for a bit more, and then made our way to the checkout lane.
I have this theory that checkout lanes are designed to break mothers.  To push the limits of our sanity and find that breaking point.  They put everything that might interested little eyes and hands, right at little eye and hand level.
Normally, it's not much of a problem, because of our not-buying policy, but there was this tiny little foot in the door today.  So when Jude saw what he really wanted at the checkout lane, we had a problem.  You see, they had Cool Ranch Doritos, a favorite of his, and suddenly, M&M's were NOT okay.  He asked if they could have that instead, and I said it was okay with me, but that he and Layla needed to decide together... she said no.  This did not go over well, and the tears commenced.  Then he tried a different candy, because now that he had decided against M&M's, he could not imagine forcing those "rocks in dirty water" down his throat.  Oy.  Now I knew I was in trouble because the girlie was sticking to her guns, and we had a showdown.  And now we were at the checkout.
Needless to say, the next few minutes, involved a lot of crying, whining, and yelling from Jude and fumbling, red face, quiet reasoning from me.
I received quite a few dirty looks from the checkout lady, and once I saw those, I tried to keep my head down and avoid eye contact with anyone else within ear shot of the crying.  Oh, and did I mention that after we checked out and he admitted defeat, he promptly bopped his sister on the head for "ruining it" for him?  This, of course, led to her crying loudly as well.
I took a deep breath and got the hell out of there as quickly as I could, a dark cloud of angry tears hanging over us all and we made our way out.  The tears continued until we arrived home, where, when we were all calm, we were all able to discuss the event.
I think what affected me most about this scenario, was the judgement I felt from those around me.  I get that a loud, crying child is annoying.  It's disturbing to hear and see.  I get that everyone is sure that they could handle it better.  But, it got me thinking...
What if, instead of judging other moms when a kid is having a tough time, we smiled empathetically instead?  What if we remembered that we have been there too?  That it's not easy dealing with big emotions?  That, though we all come to different conclusions about the method, all we all want is to do right by our kids?
I just read an amazing book, Daring Greatly by Brene' Brown, and she says the question of parenting values is about engagement.  Because what really matters is are we investing time and energy, are we showing up, letting ourselves be seen by our kids?  That is going to look different in different families, but it is what is important.
She also said that when we judge other parents, it is an indication of our own insecurity and uncertainty in parenting.  If we felt confident about our parenting, we wouldn't feel the need to judge other people's choices (I may not be great, but at least I'm better than them!).  She asserts that we can't claim to care about the welfare of children if we're shaming other parents for the choices that they're making.  Shame is corrosive, and never helpful.
I've really had to examine my own attitudes, because I have done my share of judging.  But I don't want to anymore.  I want to support other parents, encourage and empathize.  This parenting gig is hard enough without having to wade through dirty looks and snide comments in the grocery store.  Let's show each other some grace, and understand that we're all in this together... we're all that mom.