Near

I have felt raw since I heard the news.  In my solitary moments, I have mostly only been able to utter His name.  In that name, all my questions and despair rest.  All my outrage and distress finds a direction.  It feels that this is all I can do.  And I feel that He is near, even though there are trace amounts of accusation and hurt when I call out.  I don't feel judgement in his response, but love and maybe even understanding.
I am reminded how it hurts to love down here.  How sometimes I wonder if I should disengage, so that the weeping would not come when the lights go out.  But, I believe that in the hurting and the feeling, we are made more like Him.  And I would take that over my own blissful and ignorant comfort.  I read Matthew 5 today, which tells about the times we are blessed.  It tells us that He is near those hurting, broken and at the end of themselves.  Oh, how I hope they feel Him now.
I see my precious kiddos in full appreciation and delight for who they are, the impatience has melted away these last few days.  It's called perspective, I think.  If God can allow my anger and indignant cries, not just allow, but draw closer in love, then I can do the same when these little ones have big feelings.  I don't believe in sending them off to be alone with big feelings, simply because I can't stand the sound of the cries, or whining, or yelling.  No, I will draw closer in love, too.  Not to take all the pain away, but to be there, letting them know that they are not alone.  That these big feelings are okay, and we'll get through them together.  Many times all we need is an empathetic ear, and to know we're not alone.
The emotion that overtakes me about the tragedy is not vengeance or policy outrage, but simply sadness.  For the parents whose hearts feel empty right now, for the children who were lucky to walk out of the building, and for those who weren't.  I worry about what they felt in those last moments.  That they were so frightened, that they suffered.  That those left behind have only begun to suffer.
In my heart, I believe that Jesus was with those children, amidst the horror.  He didn't leave them.  And to many, that seems such a hollow notion, outrageous even.  But, I believe, they're with Him now, where there is no suffering.  It's those they left that will need Him now.  And I pray, Lord Jesus, come near.