Loss

I'm feeling sad tonight.  I lost a baby this week.  Ben and I were expecting our second, due beginning of April.  I'm not sad for the baby.  The baby is with Jesus; I can't imagine a place I'd rather be.  I'm sad for us.  That we never got to know who this little person was.  And I won't know, until I join him or her up there.  I'm sad because, in my mind, we were already a family of four.  The guest room was already a nursery.  Jude was already a big brother.  

I know it's okay to be sad.  But I won't do the self-pity thing.  Mostly because I believe it can have such a negative effect on the self who is pitying.  I do have a peace that can come only from the Father.  I trust that He is smarter than I am.  Stronger than I am.  

Furthermore,  this experience has made me so grateful that I had such an easy pregnancy with Jude, that there were no complications, and that he is happy and healthy today.  There is so much that can go wrong.  Sometimes it seems a miracle when it all goes right.  

I don't know how long it will take, but I'm healing.